matt almost made me pass out, but it was my fault

So let’s ignore the fact that I didn’t post again for a full week, okay?

Let’s just enjoy a normal post, finally.

Actually this post is pretty gross so you might not want to read it. If you are going to keep reading, don’t be mad about how I didn’t warn you because I am totally warning you right now.

SnapChat of me drawn like a humpback

I sent this picture to a few of my friends on Snap Chat the next day. The hump on my back is really the cyst except I didn’t tell them that because cysts are gross. I figure my friends can read about my more than skin deep things on the Internet instead.

So last week, my brother came home from Abu Dhabi and we went out for dinner with the rest of our family. We ate at the BYOB sushi place in our neighborhood so I had a few glasses of wine. (The fact that I had a few glasses of wine might not seem relevant right now, but it is later. Really, I’m just delaying the gross part of this story.)

Earlier that morning, I was pretty upset to find out that I couldn’t make an appointment with the doctor I wanted to see until October. I needed to see a doctor like RIGHT AWAY. To be more specific, I needed to see a plastic surgeon doctor because I needed something removed.

Okay, here’s where this story starts to get gross so you can stop reading now. (You’re still allowed back to my blog if you stop reading this post. I promise.)

I need to have a cyst removed from my back. I’ve had it at least since college. I have no idea what happened in the past two weeks, but all the sudden it tripled in size. You can see it through my shirt. It’s super gross. And it hurts. Which is why I need it gone RIGHT NOW. Matt says it’s a little bigger than a quarter, but I think it’s WAY bigger than that.

After dinner and after those few glasses of wine, it became apparent that I couldn’t handle my problem until October.

I yelled at my poor husband to pop this giant, disgusting cyst on my back. Matt said, “Are you sure you want me to do that?” Then he showed me a bunch of YouTube videos of other people draining cysts themselves. I’m not going to link to those videos here because you CANNOT unsee videos like that.

After watching those videos, I decided ew, no way can I go through that or have Matt see me that way. Two minutes later the annoying pain from the cyst made me yell at Matt again to get rid of it.

I have this tool:

zit popping tool

Anyone know what it’s called? I remember I got it from Sephora. I’m just going to call it a zit popping tool. Anyway so I forced this zit popping tool in Matt’s hand and told him to stab it into my back.

Matt kept telling me that he really should use an X-acto knife and that I should probably lie down. I could handle no such directions and insisted that he shove the zit popping tool in my back while standing. I don’t know. It seemed like it would hurt less that way.

So he does it (as any good husband would) and then that’s when things started to go black.

Uhhh, so I’m a huge wuss and I couldn’t handle that stupid zit popping tool since it almost made me pass out. Luckily, Matt made me kneel down until I could see again and all the stars went away.

Fortunately, this little incident made me call back the doctor’s office to move up my appointment with a different doctor. So hopefully all of this will be taken care of sooner than October.

Aren’t you glad I decided to post this week??

Comments

  1. Haha, this is really funny, although I feel pretty bad for you. I get cysts on my ovaries and when thy pop, it’s like birthing the devil. Inside your gut.

  2. Oh you poor thing! That’s awful :(

    If it makes you feel any better (oh god, I’m going to sound SO weird here) — I totally relate to weird physical/health things. I had to have a growth removed from my nasal passages last year that was taking up my entire sinus and growing down the back of my throat (OMG I’M SO SORRY — I JUST REREAD WHATWROTE ANDSOUND LIKEFREAK). We called it “the blob.”

    Again, sorry for that. You didn’t need to know that but I shared anyway ha. But I hope you feel better seriously. :)

    • the fussy britches says:

      Are you sure it wasn’t just a huge booger? Haha. Seriously though, that sounds awful. I wouldn’t want to have to go through getting that removed. That sounds way worse. Also, I don’t think you are weird because I read your blog and you seem completely normal to me :)

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