the rules of matt johnson

A few weekends ago, Matt’s dad came to visit us at our house.  Matt’s dad saw the box to the Margaritaville Drink Maker that he gave us a few weeks ago and noticed that it was unopened. He asked me why we hadn’t tried it out.

I told him, “Matt wouldn’t let me open it because we’re bringing it to the beach. Matt has a lot of rules.”

This got me thinking about how many rules Matt tries to make me follow. There is no way I had this many rules growing up. I mentioned to Matt that I was going to write a post about all of his rules and he didn’t think I possibly remembered any of them since I never follow them.

Ugh, I can remember them if I think really hard, but there is no way that I can remember ALL of them EVERY second of the day.Loofas DO NOT belong on the shower handle. Put a trash bag in the trash can like you have a brain.

P.S. I really do love my husband, but here are the rules of Matt Johnson (my husband) for your entertainment:

  1. NEVER ever hang your loofah on the shower handle. If you do, Matt has the right to throw your loofah on the shower floor.
  2. DO NOT leave the dishwasher door open. It does not matter if you think you might need to have it open again in two minutes. Every time you put something in the dishwasher, you must close the door immediately. (Read more about how the dishwasher gets in the way of our marriage here.)
  3. Properly close all chip, pretzel, cracker, and cereal bags by folding the outside top corners in once and then rolling the bag down so that there is no air in the bag. Then place a clip on the top of the bag.
  4. ALWAYS take your shoes off before you go upstairs.
    *Note: I never listen to this rule. I keep most of my shoes upstairs.
  5. Wipe your feet when you walk in the door enough so that Matt can tell that you are doing it. Don’t be shy about it. Shuffle your feet back and forth multiple times.
  6. After using the computer, you must close all programs and browser windows then go to the Start menu and select “Switch User.”
    *Note: Sometimes I regret consolidating to one desktop computer because of this rule. Seriously though, we do not have room for two computer desks downstairs. A dining table is much better than a computer desk in my opinion.
  7. None of Megan’s (that’s me) stuff is allowed on the printer.
    *Note: This is a new rule. Apparently, the printer wasn’t working because a wine charm, a Leatherman multi-tool, and a hair rubber band were jammed inside the printer. I’m not entirely sure if all those things inside the printer were really my fault.
  8. DO NOT pick up Matt’s clothes from the floor. They are there for a reason!
  9. DO NOT close drawers too fast. (This causes all the contents to shift to the back of the drawer.)
  10. Make and sleep in the bed non-rudely. (Read all about this here.)

I feel bad for our future children if we ever have any. Also, I’m quite certain I forgot a few (probably 20) rules. There seem to be new rules every week.

As many of you already know, Matt edits 98% of this blog. I did forget a few. Matt was kind enough to list them for me.

  1. Push your chair in when you get up.
  2. Squeeze the toothpaste roll from the back.
  3. DO NOT slam the washer and dryer doors. (I’m pretty sure Matt has never told me this before, but he claims he has. I don’t even think I slam the washer and dryer doors. I really love our washer and dryer.)
  4. DO NOT slam cabinet doors
  5. Turn the lights off when you leave a room.
  6. Turn outside lights on for your husband when he comes home after dark.
  7. Put a new trash bag in the garbage can like you have a brain.
  8. Matt says all these rules are NOT rules and are actually common courtesy. I apparently lack common courtesy, which really sucks for Matt. 


  1. I have to say, Matt’s kind of a genius. We’d get along swimmingly, as most of my friends call this OCD. I like common courtesy better, I’m going to start telling them that.

    Also, I’m teaching my dog to wipe her feet. It’s going to happen.

    • the fussy britches says:

      Ha, I did read about your love of organizing on your blog the other day. I would imagine that you and Matt would get along. If we ever get a dog, I’m sure Matt will try to teach our dog how to wipe its feet as well.

  2. I am dying. I am pretty sure this is how my husband feels about me. I have rules about everything, and I think Matt and I would be BFFs.

    I also like the term common courtesy. I might start using that with my husband, because he just calls it being a nag or being bitchy.

    • the fussy britches says:

      Sounds like you and Matt would be BFFs. I’m not so sure how much your husband will like term common courtesy. Haha. It doesn’t work on me very well.

  3. My favorite part is “like you have a brain.” That is exactly how my father talked to us as we were growing up.

    • the fussy britches says:

      Haha…there was actually one more rule that Matt listed right after the “like you have a brain” rule. I told Matt that I was not listing that one because seriously, he never followed the last rule he wrote anyway. Plus ending the rules with “like you have brain” is way funnier in my opinion. I’ll have to tell Matt that he sounds like a Dad so we might as well have kids already. He’s not going to be very happy with you, Anonymous.

  4. I hurt my back this week, and your post made me laugh and now it hurts more. There’s a rule that you shared with me while we were living together that I follow to this day, but it’s embarrassing so I won’t be posting it here.

    • the fussy britches says:

      Joanna, I love that you told me my embarrassing rule that you follow over Facebook messenger. You had me cracking up. Sorry, I hurt your back more and I hope you feel better! Back pain is no fun.

  5. MARK JOHNSON says:

    WELL i have to weigh in here to say that the rules seem like common sense to me however
    it should be called uncommon because soooo few people have it. matt got the dishwasher gene
    from misses johnson because i apparently dont know how to do right either. megan you keep working at it you will figure it out.

    • the fussy britches says:

      Well Matt gets all his common sense from you! I suppose that I’m lucky to have a husband with so much common sense. I haven’t a clue what I would do without him. I’m pretty sure I’ll never figure out how to load the dishwasher correctly. Thank God, I have Matt to reorganize it for me all the time.

  6. JoAnna and Megan — now I want to know about the embarrassing rule from when we lived together. Fill me in!

  7. Haha I love this! Ryan gives me crap all the time for leaving lights on all over the house. He actually goes around shutting all the lights off announcing that he’s “shutting down the landing strip”. And while I’ve never been told not to pick clothes up off the floor, I have gotten shit for not being able to distinguish between the “clean”, “clean enough”, and “needs washed” clothes on said floor.

    • the fussy britches says:

      Ha, I would imagine distinguishing between clean, clean enough, and needs to be washed would be tough if they are on the floor and if you aren’t wearing the clothes yourself! Relationships might be slightly easier if we were all mind readers.

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